Confession

I've got nothing to say anymore. My world has been absorbed by love for you, but I've forced myself to restrict my actions and allow other people to grasp you with the whole world in their hands. I'm foolish in the ways I give away the things I love so much, but I should have been stubborn with you and never let u out of my sight. I can confess that I've basically risked everything for you, yet u never respond in the ways I wish you did; so now I'm scared to tell you the truth, hoping you won't leave me alone with no one to turn to but a million to infinite sorries written all over my body - head to toe, in and out.

I love you.

Changing

Everyone changes right? I've seen a lot of people change, they all grow, change features, start making decisions about their values and which path they want to take when they grow up. Remember the days when some giant asked you what you wanted to be when you grow up? Some of my friends wanted to vets, teachers and even alien invaders. I personally know that I've always wanted to have a career in a field of design or engineering since I was about 10.. i think?
Sometimes I guess people decide to explore different paths in life, to experiment and have a taste of the future. Is there any such thing as experimenting too early? experimenting behind your friends backs and even your families? I assume that young people believe that they can go out into that world and think that 'hey, no one is going to know that it was me who dented that guys motorbike or smash the neighbours gate down because im young and society believe that young people are innocent'. Obviously they wouldnt remember anything because they were so intoxicated to even have control over their own actions.
So wat happens when an exterior source comes in and captures everything on a digital fone or camera, Now there's a problem. What happens to you in the future? you are restricted in your travel plans, your future career is effected and u may even get a criminal record.
Now i know people are nosey about situations like this, but those are the people who care and are worried (like our parents) and if theyve lost your complete trust and you've lost everything, theyre not going to be waiting on the side lines to pick u up and become your nanny. They are going to ignore your pleads and you wont have anyone to rely on.
I know i'm only 16, but im seeing people now who use to be so nice and that i've known since a younger age & open about everything just, become totally rude and arrogant, narrow-minded and bitchy. It's actually quite disturbing to watch these people turn out like this, but what can you do? nothin because its their decision right? I hope they know how theyre affecting us, their friends and family.

The Month Past..

I apologize for not updating for the last month! I've been 'busy' with work, study, exams and kind of getting 'fired' from work.. but i take it as i'm having a 'break..' if u know wat i mean. Because She just said that i had no shifts.. and she's not really my boss because she didnt hire me and she has no authority too.......

SO Q: what has been happening for me for the last month?
A: a productive month with 2 weeks of holidays and 2 weeks of exams! (and of coarse having an awesome day at the easter show) But to be honest, the last month I havnt really done much socialising[besides talkin to the customers when i was working]. I have found a way to do quick check ups on twitter and facebook, plus i hung up a calender on my laptop so i dont forget what day it is, AND i have finally regained contact with old friends! So i think my life is puzzling back together slowly.
My favourite all time tv shows are back ~ GLEE, MERLIN & MASTERCHEF! yayay :) and also Gossip Girl hehe :)
~the come back of glee was absolutely magnificent! I want to see the next episode featuring tributes to madonna ~ this shuld be a doozy
~ season 2 of merlin is also awesome!!!
~ season 2 of masterchef is pretty full on, 2 of the guys look like my boss and the asian guy [alvin] annoys the heck out of me, but i bet he's gonna win because last year Julie won, and I hated her.. but anywayssssss..
~ gossip girl is so contraversial, serena finally meets her dad!! [finally!! sorry if i spoilt this for anyone..] And I think the chick who plays jenny does such a good jobof beng teenager :) ~ even though her rich stubbornness annoys me a tad, but i think she's very pretty

What else has happened.. oh yes i have fallen inlove and only a few people know about it and you dont know who they are! ha :)
Dancing has started up again, i missed my ballet lesson last week which has made me very upset.. which reminds me tht i have to buy new shoes.. and Im currently enjoying hip hop/jazz ~ I've found out that i'm very comfortable in this class.. even if im the eldest.

So what's next for me?
~ regaining my social life back
~ technology and IPT assessments [which means more work]
~ travelling up to terrigal for mothers day [hopefully the spa is open!]
~ fashion weekend!! aka time to hunt for bargain australian designer outfits! [new dress or shoes in mind]
~Interconitnental dinner for my bestfriend as it was her birthday on the 29th of april
~More teaching on fridays
so yes.. im kind of busy.. but hopefully i can post sumfin up next week *fingers crossed*

hehe anyways off to do my D&T work :(
take care sweetumz!!! :)
xx BEAR

Strain

Hello my beauties,
I have been currently busy with my life, it has gone all contraversial as there has been sad events at the moment.
1. i have this really annoying strain in my neck n collar bone and i have no idea how i got it..
2. my aunt is in hospital after her operation on her breast [no need to go into details]
3. daylight savings has ended and i feel jetlagged! and i havnt even been on the plane!

ok ok the last one is just stupid but it is a very annoying event.. changing times and stuff..
BUT ANYWAYS - since i havnt typed up a blog in a while, i will inform u on how i am feeling at this very moment... annoyed! - yes i feel like its midnight but NO! its 11pm.. and my neck is kinda like atm -'claire, just move ur head a little bit more nd dont crack me!'... ugh.. it's kinda like at the back of my neck and the pain goes down to the collar bone.. annoying but it'll b gone soon.. i hope!

I also am feeling a little bit retrieved because my fasting is over! but im sad to be eating meat again, the taste of meat was like.. mind blowing, like 'oh wow this doesnt taste right'. but i dno, maybe i've just gotten use to eating yummy vegies... i was enjoying being vegetarian!!! yes and i literally have a week to prepare my study time for my exams nd stuff.. nd work is a bit of a hassle at the moment. People are leaving and i dont even know bout it and then when they leave it's always on my shift n stuff, but i guess this is what happens when u dont work during the week.
I work in the airport and i am absolutely loving it, the people there can be nice, crazy, bubbly, happy and in rushes, but most of them are relaxed.. and some of the guys who walk past are like... 'OH MY LORD.. ur so friggen hot!' and other guys r like.. 'eww yuck, ur so not my type'. And because its holidays, heaps of youth sporting teams and.. music groups?? walk past.. the other day i saw the manly sea eagles walk past.. one of them goes up to me nd says - 'hey, is there any food places up that way [pier C]' and i'm like.. 'oh yea, u have eagle boys [such a coincidence haha] and a alcohol bar thing [i dont think theyre allowed to drink] and also like a cafe up there.' and the guy said thnks n walkd off.. i culdnt even get a decent conversation with him.. *sigh* oh well it wont bother me :)

Shall b keepin u updated
x BEAR

Up

Ok i never knew ppl actually read this lol, [maybe i'll become famous! haha] ok well it's nearly 11pm and I just finished watching Up. IT WAS SO CUTE/SAD/AWESOME/... LOVING! Ok i am not over exaggerating :) I feel like tht it's a very beautiful movie... [even tho the quality is bad] and I love how the dog speaks xD ok enough said.
Victor - techniquelly no mysetry man :D
Theo - thanks for the advice :D I have taken your wise words into consideration.
I wonder who is gonna comment next? xD
Ok so tomorrow is the last day of school.. and I'm hoping my bludge day [including a study period, movie, tech lesson and receiving my badge :D] will be very very relaxing for me :) I dno bout you lot, but I think I'll have a very good day tomorrow :)I'm kinda excited for the school holidays.. 2 weeks of hardcore studying D= NOOOOooooo haha JOKING! nah seriously.. Easter show, finally gonna go out and enjoy my life without having to stick with the same group of people, catch up with old mates, earn money, check out the guy who works at Santos [Annie ;);)], oh and of coarse.. study.. BUT it goes towards something soooo important [sarcasm]. May be it's more funner when i work with other people? lol

School - ok I think as SRC ppl... we are heading towards an attempt to create a mufti day.. not 100% on it but it's an idea. Founders day - grade themes... needing of options! [crazier the better?!] and obviously attempting to think about events to earn money [it goes to good things!]
I dno who ever reads this chuck in a couple of ideas to me :)

BEAR xx

Overwhelmed.

I'm not feeling like I have the zest of life when I walk into school. I don't feel satisified with wat I do. I work so hard and at the end of it, I don't even feel 100% me. It has been bothering my mind all day. When I think of my life, it's boring, I can't seem to manage why I live for, what goals do I want to achieve for the day/week/month/year/future? It's just too much. I feel like crying sometimes.. I'm an emotional person.. I guess.
Maybe I'm just heart broken, I look at myself in the mirror and see this horror ugliness appearing before me. I use to be pretty, now I'm ugly. Maybe I just feel overwhelmed with everything I do. I miss my old friends, and it seems like everyone is moving on besides me, I'm feeling left behind, out of the picture, not happy.
Yes, it's probably that.. I don't know where I stand today with friends, family, work, sport. I have no social life, and never will probably. I'm heart broken, and always will be. Over someone who is too good for me. I'm weak and hopeless.. feeling emotionally run down but oh well, life goes on and people rely on me. I'm overwhlemed with everything.
BEARx

muddled on love.

I never really pick up on the concept of 'love'. It's such a widely used word, and i never seem to get the true meaning on love.
In the old days, i guess love was only mentioned wen two people became one. nowadays we say love is for everythin like 'i love your sofa' nd 'i love the way you dance in the corridor' or... 'common love, got sumfin spesh for ya..' i dno. Maybe its my recent crush which has given me these thoughts.. i know he doesnt like me in tht way, but i just cant help it when he's so aesthetically attractive.. u kno what i mean.. ;)
he does my head in, i dno wat to do, he's just everythin tht i want but he's so stubborn.. i wish i culd speak his language to communicate better, but nothin is perfect. Nothing. nothin ever goes my way, im so determined to change stuff around, maybe i set my goals way to high.. maybe i shuld start bein practical, fantasy land is over... common think straight.. oh well, i'll like.. never get over him, i check his fb everyday, talk to him [sumtimes] and try n help him out.. i feel likes its all been a waste of time. nevermind i'll move on one day

Bear